SAHM Woes....

If you read my blog...which not many do but hey we all gotta start somewhere right...

I have been unemployed since January of 2016 by my own choice. I left a job that I used to love, but by the end hated more than anything on this earth and I am still traumatized from...lol. In these last few month I have struggled to figure out what I really want to do with my life and then get on with it. I have not been blogging as much as I would like since it is really hard with a crazy toddler running around trying to break everything in her path. I have a 10 year old that demands the rest of my time and attention as well with her projects. That being said it hasn't been the wonderful transition I thought it would be. If I am really honest I hate it...I hate it cuz I am now dependent on my husband for all my money and he is not a generous man. In his defense I am a spender so he has to keep a tight rope on the funds. I am also not super patient as I have learned and the more I am trapped in my house with my toddler the crazier I get. I have been reading my past blogs and see that this has truly just become my sounding board.

I have been reading all these blogs about how to make money from home and I just don't see how I could possibly focus more than an hour a day trying get a business off the ground. I wish that I was more talented and creative so that I could make things, but I'm not and I don't have time to practice sewing with my crazy kid. I don't really like people, so being a sales person is out for me, then any of the work I could do I just don't feel like I am all that good at it. I would really like to go back to school, but am so nervous about it since I barely find time to blog how will I get my homework done?? I guess I need to just carve out the time, get the kid in preschool and really work on me. I am going to start trying to develop my writing so that I can be a better blogger and maybe (fingers crossed) eventually be a pinterest consultant...that would be my dream job. So this will be my very last boring, sound boarding, cray whining lady blog. I am onto bigger and better adventures. Wish me luck...I will need it as always.

Marriage at First Sight...Season 4

This is one of my guilty pleasures, I absolutely love this show! I have been a fan since the begining, I mean come on...who isn't facinated by people brave enough to marry a stranger. Its so midevil, and yet so intriguing if you really think about it. This season I love the couples, i feel a lot more hopeful than last season...I was not impressed with last seasons cast, it was such a hot mess...I think the experts had it wrong if you ask me. We just have to leave that shit in the past...

Ok so season 4 here we go...

My prediction is that Heather and Derek are going to get divorced...

They are already fighting on the honeymoon, which has shown us in past seasons that they may not ever recover from that. I feel her cuz an occasional smoker vs. a regular smoker is a whole different animal. I wouldn't mind if you have a beer out and smoker, or if you're stressed out, sure no problem. When you smoke first thing in the morning...Sorry Derek, you seriously lied to everyone, and now you are all defensive about it. Tell the truth people! LoL.

I think that if Lillian can handle the shock of the tour bus Tom and her will live happily ever after...Maybe


Sonia and Nick well lets just keep watching those two.

Working towards a greater goal

Yesterdays blog entry was a mess so I will not being going all super scatter brain today.

These last 6 months being at home have taught me a lot about what I want out of my life. I enjoy being at home, but as with every job it has its highs and lows. I think I have finally started to find my stride, I had a lot of baggage from my last job that I had to get over and I am happy to say that I am on the road to my sanity being recovered. I visit with my best friend from childhood every week and we always talk about our hopes and dreams and most importantly crazy ideas we have. These discussions are usually accompanied with a bottle of beer that makes all our hair brained ideas sound even better...lol.

In all seriousness, recently I have been kicking around the ideas that maybe we can really make some money out of our crazy random talents. I bake really well and so does she, what I lack in creativity in art I make up for with trying new things. She is really creative and I think that together we could really get a small business off the ground. I would like to learn how to decorate cakes and make other small fancy treats that work well for parties and favors. I figure I should probably start practiving to really get good at a few things and then start marketing and promoting myself. I was reading about these kids in San Bruno that are making a killing selling potato messages...yea i'm so serious. I figure I can make a couple extra bucks doing something I really enjoy.

Today I made some really yummy chocolate chip walnut cookies. They turned out so great, check out my adventures in cooking blog for the pics and recipe.

The Night Before School Starts

I really can't believe that the summer has flown by so quickly. Already that time is upon my family...back to school. My 10 year old daughter Samira is starting the 5th grade at St. Vincent, and the hubs and I are still in shock. How could she already be in 5th grade, she was just born! Alas, we have had to spend last two weeks getting all of our stuff together and mentally preparing to get back to life at school. We live about 10 miles away from the school, and that is in another town so we commute every day that I am really not looking forward to starting again. Oh well that is just part of the deal. As with most new beginnings in my life, I like to try and change things up. I am still not working, but am hoping to get back to school and get a better job in the long run. Back to what I was saying...I am trying to keep the house cleaner, we have more activities this year, and we are on a much tighter budget. This means that being a stay at home parent is going to be like jail for me. I am once again trying to commit to writing this blog and expressing who I am. This is also going to help me remember the crazy times in my life with the kids growing up. This is starting to feel really scattered so I will start my first thought...

I want to be a better cook for my family. I am not horrible but I am not very creative when it comes to recipes, and I have a picky family which can be really discouraging when you are learning. So I am going to document what I am cooking and if it was successful. Feeding my family sometimes feels like a crazy battle. I know most moms can relate I'm pretty sure.

Next, I want to be more creative...on a budget. Lets be realistic, all those craft stores are amazing but really kinda pricey. I want to learn to refurbish things, re purpose and really just be able to create something I am proud of and can decorate my home with. I think if I stick with this hobby it could really pay off. My bestie is really creative and I am hoping to ride her coat tails and learn a thing or two. We always have a good time together so I want to try and make something more regular with her. Start projects and work on them together. I think she and I could get good at things and eventually create a side business that will make us Christmas money...cuz lets face it, its all about that in the end.

I also have always wanted to really make a name for myself, so I am going to work on my baking skills and decorating so that I can start doing cakes, and other pastry for parties in my local area. I think that I would be able to use social media to help promote myself and get it all together. I want to create things that are useful to busy families and really just keep myself busy.

Most important of all of these is organizing my house so that it is really working for my family. I want to have a place for our things and really work at keeping everything cleaned and organized. I have closets to experiment with and Pinterest is going to be helping me the whole way.

I realize this blog is really scattered, but its a layout to my plan for this school year. I will be better my friends I promise.

Weathering the storms

As most people do in life my family is going through some growing pains. My long time love (not my husband, cuz we are too cool to get married...lol) hates the job that he took about six months ago, and before that he was really unhappy at the last one due to commute and feeling like he just wanted something different...better. Well he learned the hard way that the grass is not always greener on the other side and it has been the worst career mistake he has ever made. That being said it has been a huge stain at home, he has been moody and really hard to be around. He hasn't been himself and that makes me have to carry the bulk of the work that has to do with home and family. The relationship has changed, we don't even sleep in the same room anymore. I love him because we have been together for 13 years, and I stick with him because that is what a good wife does, she stands behind her man and his decisions...no matter what. That's how I was raised.

But what happens when those decisions cause all sorts of unrelated problems?? Do you stay because you're suppose to, or because you want to, or because you have no where else to go??? I have really been struggling, and when I mention going to talk to someone about it, I just get the answer that he won't go, and if we are at that point what is the point of going?? I feel like his unhappiness is sucking the life out of me. It is taking away from our kids and its like a dark cloud over our family. He is impatient with the kids and I constantly feel like I have to referee them all. I know that I am not the only woman going through things like this and that others have it far worse than I do, but what about my happiness??? What about my girls?? I just feel like there is no one who can just give me an answer and man thats all i really want.

I have these days where I feel like he is a stranger and we dont even know each other any more. Do I even like him anymore?? The fighting gets to be so much and who wants to live this way really? I am the type of person who usually keeps all this in, but who the hell will really read this any way and what difference does it really make?? Well getting it out helps I guess, so to all those who are struggling like me...hang in there, the sun will shine again....

Changing the goals already

Sometimes I truly think I have ADD, but the truth is as much as I would love to be able to sew it isn't practical for me with my 2 year old with me all the time. She loves to help and I find myself battling her more and more. So that being said I am going to continue with my same other goals but I am going to work on cooking and photography now. I feel that if I can take amazing pictures of the places we go and the adventures the girls and I take. I would also like to take some shots of my favorite places in nature. I am still working on trying to finish my home decor as well and I think getting some art on the walls would go a long way too.

This past weekend we reconnected with some friends and had a great time visiting with them on Saturday night and it really just inspired me to get my house together as soon as possible and start hosting a lot of fun things. I want people to feel welcome at my house and want to hang with us. We have been in a down place with all the changes in our lives recently and I really want to find our way back to happiness. I need to have people around us and a good time again. i know how much I used to love having people over when I was a kid and I want to do that for my girls as well. I have really been too much into myself and i need to remember I am happiest with friends and my girls. So I am really actively going to work to get our social calendar filled up for the summer. Ok enough for now. I will post some pictures of my photography experiments soon.

Tori

Figuring things out really sucks sometimes...

Being that it has been practically forever since my last blog. Despite my best intentions of making this a new outlet for me and my potential it seems that I let everything I was going through get in my way. I did sorta go into a tailspin for about 2 months after I left my job. There is so much to that, the anger, the shame, the disappointment. Then from all that I went into to the whole "Holy crap now what am I going to do with my life?". This has been the interesting and sorta depressing part, I love being at home with my family, but then the more I do for them the less they do for themselves. I swear sometimes being the cook, the driver, and the maid are getting to be a job that I really don't want. My husband says that if I can just hang in there for our youngest to be 3 and go to school things will be great. The problem with that is that even he and I are starting to drift apart. I sometimes just feel like I am floating around. Most of my friends all work and the ones who don't are going to school. I really just am not sure that is what I want to do, and if I could even dedicate the time and effort into it.

The good thing about being home is again I get to be a stay at home for my baby, and that has really been great. I also figured out that I never want to work for a small company again and that I would really enjoy working from home. I need to find a part time deal soon though because money is tight and I would like to not be broke all the time. Its amazing how not having a job has kept me busier than ever. Not with a ton of fun things mind you, but busy trying to stay busy. Having a very active 2 year old is one of the hardest jobs. I have had to organize my sisters baby shower and now a trip to LA for our oldest daughter's 10th birthday. I have been trying to learn at the library about ways to improve myself and my family. I took some sewing lessons and would like to get more into that and practice. I am going to start setting more realistic attainable goals for myself for the next few month. I have always really enjoyed the whole blogging experience and really want to learn how to write better. As I have sat here and typed this blog while watching my daughters enjoy their breakfast on this Monday morning I have decided that I am in fact going to try and go back to school, provided I get financial aide. I will enroll in a writing class for summer and work on my sewing this month.

Ok so here are the goals for my next month May 2016
I will work on my sewing and be able to complete a project by the end of the month
I will go to the community college and enroll in school for the summer session
I will get a regular work out schedule down
I will walk the dog every night
I will blog more

Wish me luck,

Starting a new chapter

Well well I grew a set and quit my crazy job last week. It has really been coming but that is a story for another day. I am going to do my best to live my dream, going back to school and working part time or even remotely. I want to send time with my daughters and give my 2 year old the mommy time she needs. its been good so far, I guess it really just doesn't feel totally real yet. this will give me even more time to blog and make my page better than ever. So stay tuned my friends, lets hope this goes well :)

The mixtape of my life...so far Part 1

So I was reading this great blog called death by chickens and she had this great post about what would be the mixtape of your life. Now for any young readers out there lets just say the playlist of your life...for the rest of us 90s kids we all know what I'm talking about. So after some very careful and honest thought I have composed the mixtape of my life thus far and the meaning behind every song. Since I am only in my 30s its not that long but I encourage all you new bloggers or even established ones to have some fun with this idea yourself.

1. Isn't She Lovely by Steve Wonder
I mean come on I was born and blessed my parents with my crazy self. I am the youngest of 2 and my sister always told me that my parents felt sorry for me when they found me in the Safeway parking lot, and thought that she could use a playmate. I in-turn always reminded her that Mom and Dad actually wanted and planned for me...unlike her who was a surprise...lol oh siblings :)

2. Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
This is just one of those songs we always used to listen to in the car with my Dad who was a total hippie in San Francisco (Where we are from) and loved this whole era of music...cuz it was amazing. Not to mention my father was surrounded by his beautiful brown eyed girls...Mom, Sis, and Me!

3. Dancing On The Ceiling by Lionel Richie 
This song was one of my favorites when I was a kid, my mother had a big sterio in our front living room and we always used to listen to the radio and dance around with her. Lionel Richie was one of her favs.

4. If I Can't Have You by Yvonne Elliman
Again as most of us can attest my mother is a huge influance in my musical taste, she LOVED DISCO! So of course we were treated to a full education in the music of that era. We listened to the Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack all the time and this was my very favorite song on it. I love the Bee Gees but this song was just amazing.

5. Step By Step by New Kids On The Block
Ok so what...I like New Kids...there is no shame in my game. I was really young at the height of their fame but none the less I would be lying if I said this song wasn't great. Recently it was on XM radio while I was driving with my 9 year old daughter in the car, and i am not ashamed to admit that I had a total freak out moment flash back that she found highly entertaining. Good times.

6. Forever Your Girl by Paula Abdul
Every summer my bff Angie and I would sing this in the backyard at our river house and pretend we were in the music video. Not a bad song on the entire album if you ask me.

7. As Long As You Love Me by Backstreet Boys
This song defines the beginning of High School for me, I remember buying the single (yea brought that back) and listening to it all summer before my Freshman year. I have never been afraid to be who I am and I distinctly remember in a world of Hip-Hop and gangsta rap I was the Pop Princess. I decorated my locker with Nick Carter posters and never cared who said anything. Be yourself kids none of the people who make fun of you matter in the grand scheme of life I promise you.

8. Tearin Up My Heart by NSYNC
OMG when they hit the scene they brought so many people back to the awesomeness of POP music. I saw them in concert 8 times!!! Brittney Spears used to open for them and get boo'd...Wow they were amazing then and Justin Timberlake has just gotten better with age.

9. Stutter by Mystical and Joe
I used to sing this at the top of my lungs with my girls in the car during high school...

10. The One I Gave My Heart To by Aaliyah
We all have that puppy love heart break song that you listened to on repeat when you thought your world was ending cuz the guy you liked was a jerk. Gosh thank goodness I grew up.

11. Everywhere by Michelle Branch
This was my college song, I first heard it while studying in the library in New Orleans. It was so infectious and at a very lonely time in my life it brought up my spirits. Home sickness cure for me :)

12. Half Crazy by Musiq SoulChild
I went to college in the South and being a California native...well lets just say different was a HUGE understatement. This song always reminds me of being out there so much.

Ok we have made it through college now i need to stop and save the rest for another post since I have so many more to add this. Hope you make your own, this has been a really fun exercise for me :)