As you know I lost my beloved father this past October and have been trying to cope with that as well as be a wife and mother. My own mother has fallen off the deep end and has the luxury of being able to do nothing but grieve. I on the other hand am not so lucky. I just grin and bear it until I can't any more, then the sadness hits and I cry and cry wishing for things that will never be. Until loosing my father I had always felt bad for those who had suffered a loss, but never really understood the pain of it. I do now, and when I hear of friends and co-workers who have also recently lost a parent...I have no words. I just tell them how truly sorry I am, and the funniest part of all is that I know that makes them feel better than anything else I could say. I know this because when it was all fresh for me, my cousins who had lost their father to cancer 4 years before, didn't say anything just hugged me and told me that they understood my pain. It's amazing how no words at all can be the best medicine. I know that people just don't know what to say, or want to let you know that they care...but words of sympathy seemed so empty to me at the time, and I was tired of hearing them.
Now almost 8 months later, I have adjusted to the fact that my dad is gone. The pain is still there, but I know that he is gone and that my life has been altered. My sister and I have gotten closer, being that we understand wholly what the other has lost. My daughter misses her best friend and Grandpa, but we talk about him all the time so that she remembers just how awesome he was. I think of him always and in every situation just wish that I could talk to him or ask his advice. Death is so final, and although I know that he is always with me in my heart that just doesn't seem like enough. My father had a larger than life personality and was so funny, the hole in my life will never be filled. The hole in my heart aches to see him again...
When my sister and I were younger we always went to the cemetery with our Dad, we would walk around and look at the headstones. See how young some of them were and wonder what happened to them. Being Irish you get used to cemeteries and funeral at a young age. Death is part of life and we should be happy that they are in heaven now with God and their loved ones. I remember my sister asking our dad as we visited his parent grave "Dad do you still miss him after all these years?" (my sister and I only knew my grandfather because my grandmother had passed before we were born) his response is one that has stayed with me because he loved to retell this story...He said "You know I asked my dad the same question when I was a little bit older than you are now, and I am going to tell you what he told me because it is so very true. I miss him as much today, as the day he died." Amazing how life truly comes full circle, because I know that I miss him as much today as that terrible day in October when he left this life for the next.
Monday, November 26, 2012
I made it through the first major holiday without my Dad, it was much harder than I imagined and I was a total wreck to be perfectly honest. I cried a lot, and I missed him all day, on a day that I should have been giving thanks all I could think about was what was taken from me. I put myself in check because there is so much to be thankful for, but it was really difficult to get through it without him...knowing that this was the first holiday of many that he will never get to celebrate with us. My mind tells me that he is happy in heaven and that I will one day see him again, but explaining that to my heart that misses him so much is a whole different story. Living and dying are all part of life, this I know but when you are actually experiencing it, none of that seems to matter anymore. I have this huge hole in my heart that I just want to stop hurting. I just want to talk to him, I just want to know that he is truly happy and that he is OK. I had a dream about him a few weeks ago telling me just that...it was brief but truly beautiful. I didn't see him, but I knew he was there telling me that he was alright and that he loved me. I miss my Dad so much it hurts, I stay strong for my family but every now and then the grief just hits me like a ton of bricks and I just want to sit down and cry. Life just sucks sometimes...
Monday, October 29, 2012
Grieving the loss of someone who has meant so much to me is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my entire life. On October 18, 2012 I lost my dad to leukemia. He was diagnosed on August 1, 2012 and was taken from us 2 and half months later. It seems impossible and surreal that I will never again get the chance to talk to him, I will never hug him again or hear him laugh. We will never go for a walk at Golden Gate park and watch the dog run after birds. The loss that I am feeling right now is so incredible that I am barely able to comprehend what is really happening. I feel like there is a huge void in my life that will never again be filled. If came as such a shock, that I don’t even know how to take it or where to begin. He was the strongest man that I ever knew, he stood up for what he believed in and always did things his way. He told the best stories and always made me laugh, I was the luckiest girl in the world to have had him for a father. He taught me so much about life, and how to truly appreciate it. He taught me how to never take myself too seriously because it would taint my view.
How do you get on with your life, when someone that has been such a huge part of it is gone. I feel like I am walking in this dense fog and the realization hasn’t totally hit me that he really isn’t coming back. I know that it is still so fresh, but it feels like he is just somewhere else and will be coming back any time. It is so final that my heart hasn’t really been able to grasp it. Friends and family that have experienced a similar loss have all told me the same thing, that it never gets better, you just learn to live with the pain…Doesn’t sound promising if you ask me…
Monday, October 15, 2012
So you know you have that co-worker that you like some times, but most of the time they drive you nuts. Today I was reminded how much I don’t like the newest member of our office. She started in May as part of the management team and in those 5 months has proceeded to cheat on her husband, have a mental break down, constant child care issues, always late, and has taken more time off in 5 months then the rest of our office put together. Our boss is leaving for a week’s vacation (well deserved) today and she proceeds to tell me that she will be working from home tomorrow and not be coming into the office…wow what a surprise! I have an office to run and you have a job to do, that can’t be done while you’re not here! So I just had to rant because I figure why not rant on my blog instead of gossiping in the office…lol…yea yea I know, I’m being immature!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
I remember that day crystal clear...11 years ago I was in New Orleans going to college and working at the Fairmont hotel. I woke up to my radio alarm clock saying that a plane had crashed into the world trade center. The first thing I did was call my family in California, my dad answered it was 6am their time. I asked him if he was watching the news, he said that he wasn't and I told him to turn on the TV. He gasped into the phone and used some major profanity :) I at the time didn't have a TV, I was a busy college student and was never really there so I got up and got ready for work. I went to my local coffee shop and saw it there, the 2nd plane hitting the 2nd tower. I remember my knees got weak and I prayed for all those people, secretly relieved that I didn't have any family in New York that I had to worry about. I felt so horrible for all those people, and their families. Although I wasn't directly effected by this tragedy other then the fact that I am an American and it was a blow to my country. I know that it is something that I will never forget, and I never take for granted the freedom that I am allowed and the people who fight for my rights to that freedom.
I only hope that we all can remember this day, and never forget what we as a country went through then and are still going through today....
Monday, September 3, 2012
Here's my other blog that I am dedicating to cooking and baking. I made the pumpkin pie bite, which were really good. Check it out!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
A few posts ago I was toying with the idea of doing a Julie and Julia sort of blog project. I have been addicted to pinterest for some time now and have noticed a lot of people doing blog post and pins about trying recipes and stuff so I think I am going to choose a few and try them. Blog about the success and failures. I know my 6 year old is gonna love it. I love to bake anyways so it should be fun trying something new. I am hoping for more success than failure, but who knows right?! I have tried a few recipes for dinner and they have all been pretty good, but then again I sort of just take what I want from them and put my own spin on it. Looking forward to taking my mind off the current predicament. I am going to my parents house in San Francisco this weekend and it might be fun to start this project with my daughter and sister. Well I'll keep you posted.